The Big Return

Last Tuesday was my big return to work day. I got out of bed about 5:00 AM just after nursing Autumn, excited about returning, afraid of what I might find and looking forward to all of the ways God would manifest himself. Well, let me tell you-by 12:00 noon I was irritable, sleepy and ready to die from the feelings that overwhelmed me. While I was indeed happy to see everyone, I missed Autumn terribly and kept wondering if she felt abandoned. By 4:00 I was asking myself why I had taken four months instead of the standard 6 weeks. It didn't feel like I could ever catch up, too much had taken place and too much missed. Guess what? I did make it through the first short week. In fact, Autumn seems to have survived it quite well. It's the end of week two and I'm still behind and uninformed on several things but my perspective has returned and I'm enjoying adult conversation. The world outside of Autumn Cymone and Summer Cynae seems to have moved just a little faster without me but I'm glad I'm back to expand my world just a little beyond them!

The sadness of summer

While many people in surrounding Chicago Suburban communities are looking forward to the sights, smells and sounds of summer I am a little reluctant to see the summer begin. The calendar hasn't officially marked the beginning of summer and there are already 3 teenage victims of violence in our city. I'm sick and saddened by it. I want so badly to experience the warm weather and holiday gatherings that all make summer memorable. However, in some of our neighborhoods and streets warm weather and holiday gatherings will mean disaster. Gatherings of young people during the summer always brought smiles to my face as I remembered days gone by. Now, every gathering of young people I pass brings a prayer to my lips for safety and salvation. I wish the problem plaguing our communities had a simple solution. I realize it will take a joint effort of parents, church, community organizations, business, politicians and police to even begin tackling the problem.
Violence has become as common to our children as hopscotch and double dutch was for me thirty years ago. This certainly isn't the world I wanted to introduce to my two girls. Since my husband and I made a conscience decision to bring them into this world we are committed to doing our part to make it better. Will you do your part?

Fighting Domestic Terrorism

Yesterday I decided to give God praise. Not just an ordinary "Hallelujah" or "thank you Jesus." But genuine praise that manifests itself through living that brings Him glory. This declaration came as a result of six difficult weeks. I've had very little time to care for myself, communicate with other adults or stay up on current events. I've been busy doing what many women have done and are doing, caring for my family. You have to know by now how serious I take this assignment. I really believe that this is one of the things I was created to do. So, with that said let me tell you about these two terrorists living in my house. One has hijacked my sleep and the other is running away with my peace. My body has adjusted to the few hours of sleep I get each night. However, I'm still trying to adjust to the behavior of '"a daddy loving, TANTRUM throwing, bossy but totally adorable two year old." She can sniff out anything-the old stuff embedded in the carpet, the sharp objects I'm sure I placed beyond her reach, and even the things I want to remain lost. I believe if given a little assistance she could sniff out Ossama. The sleep hijacker has found all of the best times to demand my attention. She sounds her personal alarm during the first five minutes of my conversation with any adult, seemingly non stop between the hours of 2 AM and 5 AM and just as I finish laundry and am ready to nap. Others have fought similar wars and have given advice like "sleep when the baby sleeps" and "this is not the time to introduce anything new to your toddler." All great advice I'm sure just not very effective with my terrorists. I realized just this week that the troops aren't coming and if aid arrives it won't be in time. So, yesterday I put; a praise on my lips, a song in my heart and sent up more prayers than you could imagine. What I got back was my peace and an unexplainable joy. Let me share what the Lord is teaching me through my domestic terrorists.

The peace stealer loves her daddy and is above all totally devoted to him. She's vocal about her love for him. She can't get enough time in his presence and is willing to drop everything when he walks through the door. She's not willing to commit her loyalty to anyone or anything else at this point. Daddy is it! Last night as I watched her leap several feet into the air as he walked in it suddenly struck me that God desires the same loyalty and devotion from me. I can see, if only for a minute the stress drain from my husband's body as he lifts her into his arms and looks into her ever adoring eyes. How much more does my Father delight to be in my presence. When I am fixed and focused on him and committed to obeying him I experience a peace and refreshment that can't be taken, not even by the little terrorists in my house.

The sleep hijacker is totally dependent upon us. She understands her role as baby and does it well. I have learned a thing or two from her over the past few weeks. For instance, God owns everything and promises to supply all of my needs. However, I continue to place unnecessary concern into how provision for my life will be made. We have everything my little one needs; food, diapers, clothing, etc. We don't withhold anything-we supply it. Summer makes her request and then trusts we'll provide it. In fact, she is absolutely sure that we can meet all of her needs. From jelly beans to snow, she is sure her earthly father can provide it. Sometimes she waits patiently for her request to be fulfilled at other times she's not so patient. When she is positive and pleasant we are much more willing to grant her request. We're even willing to duplicate it if she expresses gratitude. I have learned that our heavenly Father is willing to do much more for us.

My motherhood journey has really just begun and I am absolutely certain I will learn much more than I will teach either of them. I'm also sure that through this experience I will come to know my Savior in a more real and intimate way.

I'm Believing God!

As I lay her in the hospital bed of West Suburban, having just given birth to another beautiful baby girl a little over 24 hours ago, I am reminded of all of the opportunities disguised as trials that strenghten my faith. At 3:09 AM Autumn Cymone made her arrival into this wonderfully challenging world. Her delivery was just as eventful as her sisters. In the absence of my physician, (long story, maybe one day I'll share it) she landed on the bed with a small plop. My husband and I were totally ready to receive her in our hearts but that's where the preparation ended. The nurses weren't prepared for the quick delivery and the doctor hadn't arrived.
I know that God has already orchestrated all of the events of her life including her arrival. So, with tear stained cheeks as she rests in the incubator, with a swollen abdomen I am trusting in the power of a Great God! As the moments pass waiting to hear from the neonataologist I recognize I have a choice. I can choose worry, anxiety and fear or I can choose to believe that God is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do!

I'm believing God!

Has Spring Really Come?

The date on the calendar indicates that spring has come. We’ve already adjusted our clocks to reflect the one hour loss of time. However, the temperature has changed only ever so slightly. And I’m starting to realize that I still am not completely accustomed to Chicago weather. Have you ever felt like the spiritual blahs have lasted too long? The weather isn’t bone chilling cold any more but it still just doesn’t feel like spring. I have experienced many winters with my walk with Jesus Christ. During those seasons I may not experience any specific trial or tribulation but I find myself still distant from God. It is generally during those times that I have to reassure myself that no matter what it looks or feels like God is still interested in being in relationship with me. In fact, during those cold days and nights I depend on the Holy Spirit to bring back to my remembrance what I’ve read and know to be true about him and my situation. Isaiah 431:9 is a favorite. It reads, Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert. As the sun breaks forth to make way for sun, God will deliver us from our winters. He does it in such a way that we don’t even see it coming. He brings refreshment and warmth to our dry places. Almost like Spring in Chicago, we look up one day and the cold has passed and the warmth of a new season has come. You can believe that God will do a new thing for you. Even if your newness of life didn’t spring forth in January like you hoped, know that it will come because God said so!

Safe

The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe. Proverbs 18:10
I shared with a co worker today how difficult I am finding it to keep my balance. It has been said that your equilibrium is impaired when you reach a certain stage in pregnancy. Well, not only is my balance off, so went my waistline and my brain. I want them all back! My work hours have been a little longer than normal in preparation for the move to our new center and my maternity leave. As a result of that and my always tired and sleepy state, my husband has had to lend an extra hand and foot around the house. He has really been extraordinary! Unfortunately, to his dismay all of his efforts are not able to save me from what I've been experiencing lately.

My spiritual resistance is low and I know I need a hiding place. I have been feeling extremely weak and incapable of completing anything. I'm emotionally exhausted and physically spent. During my commute this evening the Lord really ministered through a song on Babbie Mason's new CD. The lyrics reinforce the awesome power found in the name of the lord. As I meditated on the nature of God I suddenly became overwhelmed by his presence. Tomorrow's schedule, responsibilities awaiting me at home and yesterday's issues seemed miles behind me. The righteous run into it and are safe. Am I not the righteous? Surely, he is the only tower fortified enough to hide me. I needed a hiding place. He is a defender and shield. Protector and Provider is he. My Peace washed over me like the lake front wind. The cares of this world seemed to have overtaken me. But there in the middle of the Dan Ryan appeared a Strong Tower. I ran into it and I was safe.

If we ever needed the Lord....

we surely do need Him now! So, goes the gospel tune I grew up singing and hearing. I began blogging yesterday about this new year and how I would hold on to this new freedom I feel. However, I was snatched backed into the pain and turmoil I thought I had temporarily escaped while celebrating the new year in our midnight high praise service. During an earlier conversation with my sister she reminded me of the woman in St. Louis who had taken her life and the lives of her 3 year old and 11 year old daughters. The newspaper article stated there was a four-page suicide note that proved it was definitely a murder-suicide case. My sister initially told me about the story New Year's Day and I can remember being overtaken by such a feeling of helplessness. Now four days later I'm still feeling the pain. In fact I have been so saddened by it that I have had to ask the Lord to just lift it. There are so many parts of this story I've walked out in my mind. The first thing that struck me was that this woman was believed to be homeless. So, being 5 months pregnant and a little less than thrilled this story resonated with me. Don't panic and start sending me emails about the blessings of children because I'm well aware and will leave my feelings about this pregnancy for another time. However, the thought of no stable place for my babies to lay their heads is more than I can handle. The newspaper article didn't give much detail about her life but the fact that she left a four-page suicide note indicates she certainly had one and a host of things on her mind that she needed to get off. My thoughts have been preoccupied with what the letter contained. Was she tired of being homeless? Disgusted with trying to figure out where their next meal would come from? Did she write about losing her job or having her car repossessed? Was it "baby daddy drama" or the lack thereof? I have no idea what her letter contains. I can only imagine the pain, hurt and frustration that prompted such a letter and then the hopelessness that served as a prelude to the final act. I've been reeling back and forth from tears to anger. Why is it that you can get a gun easier than you can obtain housing in this country? She shot herself and children on the streets with a handgun. She didn't even have a place that she could call her own to end it all. With her on the street corner was her bag of worldly possessions and the two things that probably mattered the most, her children. Now I'm wondering if she had praying, supportive sisters in her life? Was there someone willing to help my sista' carry her heavy load? Did she know the Balm in Gilead?
There is an overall national increase in the number of women and children who have become homeless over the past few years. I can personally attest to the increase in homeless single women that we see and serve at Breakthrough. I really wish there was a five point solution that would ensure that the tragedy described above is never recorded in history again. I don't have five points to resolving this crisis or a recommendation to the church or government. But, I do hope and pray that each of us will be diligent about doing the very best we can for those in our world. Kind words are good and helpful ,but if we can do more shouldn't we? The Word of God encourages us to bear the infirmities of the weak. I pray that we will be strengthened enough to bear the burdens of others. Perhaps a word of encouragement or a stable place to live could have changed the disposition for this mother of two. I don't know but I'm certain if there were ever a time that we needed the Lord we sho' do need him now!