Big Girls Don't Whine

Emmanuel

2010-05-29T07:06:00.005-05:00

I'm doing city life in a big way this morning. Sitting on my small little 3rd story deck basking in the presence of a mighty God! I can recall being a little unsettled by the comments made by the speaker at a National Day of Prayer event a few weeks ago. In his attempt to encourage prayer for the city of Chicago he made remarks that suggest that God may not be here. We've got problems for sure and those intimately acquainted with those problems don't care to see them listed in black and white. But this morning as I look up in the beautiful blue sky and hear the sounds of the city. The sounds of my garbage can being turned over by someone seeking my thrown away treasures and the other not so pleasant alley noises that compete with the fowls of the air. Nevertheless, I am overwhelmed by the calm, powerful presence of God. No one had to bring Him to the city on a van from the suburbs or Indiana, or in the pamphlets loaded with illustrations of bridges and broken hearts. He was here before my family decided to make the leap to the city. He has been in every major city public housing project in the country and covered every neighborhood in rural areas near the railroad tracks since before they were developed. He will continue to be here after those neighborhoods have been replaced with luxury condos and returned again to public housing projects. Yes, God is here with us! Evident in the tranquility that exists in each of our hearts despite the chaos of city life all around us. I'm getting my praise on this morning because I am seated in the presence of the King! He is taking my requests for decreased violence in my city this summer and a plea for a stop to the cycles of poverty, foolishness, and injustices that perpetuate these things straight to the Father. Fam, I'm on hot this morning praying that I can be utterly consumed with Holy Ghost fire, that it will reign from heaven and consume not just my heart but the heart of the city!

Stayed on Jesus!

2010-05-28T08:57:00.002-05:00

I'm back in the Joshua Center today. This morning I'm at the front desk in the midst of all of the action. As I write it's not 9:00AM yet and God has already manifested a miracle. I am amazed as I watch the tears of one woman fall and the praises of several reach the heavens for her answered prayer. She's taking notes while she holds her cell phone. She repeats the amount needed for her security deposit with an unsteady voice but victorious spirit. The second the call is over she breaks into an even higher praise! Minutes later I over hear her in the back telling the other women, "It's hard but anything worth having is worth fighting for...just don't stop fighting!" In the corner I see another woman encouraging a fellow sister in the fight. She tells her, "if you can believe it God will do it." Family-I believe it! More importantly I believe Him! I woke up this morning interceding for my brothers and sisters in Jamaica and with a mind stayed on Jesus! Ain't no telling what He will do for us this day!

I am my sister's keeper

2010-05-27T09:02:00.005-05:00

I'm sitting in a downstairs office in the Joshua Center where 30 women who are homeless reside and about 30 more come daily to access services. The kind of services you and I take for granted. Showers, use of phone, computers, fax machines, etc. This morning I came in early with a mind to accomplish at least three major things. But as the front door of the Joshua Center opens and closes I find myself distracted. Not the regular office distractions. These distractions are disturbing my spirit and interrupting the flow of blood to my heart.
I just overheard the conversation of a caucasion woman, possibly in her late 20's ask if it's ok for her to enter the center now. She says, " I need a shower so bad and my feet...oh my feet hurt. I walked around all night." Right before she knocks at the door I over hear another sister complaining about not being able to find employment. I don't know the specific stories of these particular women but I've been around long enough to know that the differences in race, age and background isn't enough to diminish the commonality that exists in the size of their need. Needs greater than being able to rest your feet or take a hot shower. I'm so thankful we are able to meet those basic needs. And that God heals the body, the spirit and the emotions! He meets the need for companionship and comfort. He helps us to overcome the feelings of desertion and loneliness that accompany those wilderness experiences.

So, after each incident I'm bombarding heaven like never before. Lord, you promised to supply our need according to your riches. Protect, encourage, deliver, guide, save my sister! Just as I feel my heart being ripped up in walks one of my staff. She needs help! She's got several women she has to see today but she can barely stand. She has been sick but was determined to keep her commitment to the sisters on her case load today. I am so moved by her dedication and love for the women we serve. We agree to cover her back and send her back out the door, home to rest. I have never been so thankful for the privilege of prayer. Now my heart is totally broken. We ask God to renew her mind, heal her body and rejuvenate her spirit. It's not 10:00 AM yet but I have totally resolved that today I am my sister's keeper!

Trying to run in my sisters shoes!

2010-05-07T15:25:00.002-05:00

This entry is for my sisters. I love the way God uses my girls and other not so profound ways to meet my need. I had the funniest experience this morning that I had to share with you. Autumn is such a little lady and loves to dress up in me and Summer's clothes. This morning at 7:00AM she decided to put on Summer's shoes. She wears Summer's shoes often but this morning she tried to run in them. As she was running to me she took a tumble and rolled over. At first she was startled-but she shed no tears. She got up from the floor and said "Mommie I can't wear my sista's shoes." It was a hilarious but profound moment for me.
There are so many wonderful women in my life that I admire and often want to be like. Of course I know I wouldn't seriously trade anything for my journey now. In dealing with many of my own inadequacies lately I've felt a special need to lay this area before the Lord! This morning I realized through this little experience God was telling me that my life, my experiences, my education or lack thereof are all unique to me and that no matter how I might admire the gifts, skills or talents of other women, I can't run in another sister's shoes. I can't take the gifts of another and use them to finish my race. I can't do what God has called another woman to do. I have my own race and God has shoes that fit only me! Wow...maybe not profound for you but had a major impact on me today! Ladies, you've got what you need to do what God has called you to do and whatever you are lacking He will provide. Now get out of your sisters shoes...they don't fit...walk, glide, no... run in your own shoes-you've got a race to finish!

Reproach-Be gone!

2010-04-26T08:20:00.004-05:00

Autumn is officially two and I'm not sure how much difference this will make it what seemed like an already terrible time in our lives. Should I expect more defiance, tantrums, big messes...? Someone reassure me that I will get through this! Celebrating her birthday was just a reminder to me of the awesomeness of Christ. I've been emotionally full all weekend. Partly due to the fact that my mom and sister was in town and I'm always that way when they are visiting. But mostly because Autumn is my "exceedingly above all that I could ask or think" baby. After we found out we were pregnant with Summer, after three years of trying and one year of turning it over to God, we were so grateful to God for hearing and granting the desires of our heart. We didn't think, in fact we were told that we would never have a baby without science. Science is cool but God is all powerful. He proved science still has to marvel at His Work!

I believe the Lord turned back His reproach and opened my womb twice so that my sisters struggling with infertility would be encouraged and He would be glorified! Have you ever had God remove the reproach in an area of your life? Perhaps for you it was the reproach (shame, disgrace) you felt over the divorce. Maybe it was your bankruptcy....singleness....HIV....motherhood out of wedlock, abuse,financial ruin. Whatever your reproach was or is let me encourage you that God can take away the reproach! That doesn't mean the pain of it is gone or the stigma attached to it automatically dissolves. It does mean that He has a way of restoring, granting or fixing your mind and spirit. The reproach of my barrenness was resolved when I stop talking to fertility doctors and ceased my efforts of assistance. Before He opened the womb peace and contentment had already filled my heart. I'm not saying that infertility is wrong. God allows science to progress and much of it can be used by Him to work out His purposes in our lives. It was His will for Cy and I that we sit down and wait on Him! So, as I'm writing I'm thinking it would be wise for me to thank God for every second of Autumn's terrible two's because soon the reproach of this difficult age will be gone!

Off The Chain!

2009-11-22T17:43:00.002-06:00

I can't even find words to describe the awesome move of God this weekend. Women In Worship 2009 at New Landmark MB Church was wonderful from the food served at the Gala Extravaganza last night to the final point rendered by Dr. Tara Jenkins this morning. I needed something really special from the Lord! A Word that would bring focus and clarity to my situation. A word of peace that would put to rest all of the larger than life themes echoing through the chambers of my mind. I wanted a word that would revive me and give me a little more courage to run on and see what the end would be! Can you say "on time?" The Word brought by the messenger today was not only on time but came in the nick of time. I'm feeling like I can love a little stronger, grow deeper, give more freely and commit more deliberately. I'll have to explain that last one, but not today. Today I'm living in the EXTRA! Those at NLMBC this morning can certainly relate!

A Matter of the Heart!

2009-09-24T20:25:00.003-05:00

I believe God is moving His people within the Universal Church to live out our faith in a more practical and authentic way than our modern society has witnessed before. There is this sense of community as described in Acts flourishing among local assemblies and in neighborhoods all over the world. As we all purpose in our hearts to be more of what God is desiring we should expect that the adversary will intensify his weapons of attack. I'd like to share a few things I've learned about his ways of attack.

He will tempt you to doubt God Word's
Overload your schedule so that you're distracted from spiritual things
Paralyze you in the Lord's service through sin and guilt
Attempt to destroy your usefulness, physically and emotionally

We would profit by remembering no matter how defined or intense Satan's attack, God's plan for your life trumps it!

Fight!

2009-06-21T19:11:00.003-05:00

Sunday Service was good and the Word God sent was great! While our pastor's message was designed to speak to men and father's in particular it could be applied to every believer present. It's actually amazing how God confirms His Word. There were a few phrases used that were identical to ones God gave me earlier in the week. I was listening to Chicago Public Radio last Tuesday and was impacted by the words of one of the men being interviewed. As he spoke of his family history of men who were willing to stand for what was right. It suddenly occurred to me that there maybe several areas in my life where I haven't taken my rightful role. I've allowed the enemy to intimidate and even take areas of my life and world that God has promised. I knew it was the voice of God speaking when today we were encouraged to fight. Fight for our marriages, the health and safety of our neighborhoods, and the best for our children. Fighting is as common to many of us as breathing. Now, I believe God is calling us to fight for the change we so desperately need in our homes, neighborhoods and places of employment. As I continue to explore what this looks like, I'll keep you posted. What I do know is that without a fight nothing ever changes. Not changes positively any way. Besides who is interested in having anything remain the same. So, join me in the fight. We may actually be able to restore communities, build marriages, save our children.....and only God knows what else.

Learning more about forgiveness daily!

2009-06-11T16:25:00.003-05:00

As most of you know Summer is a real softee and her sister....well that's another story. What God is teaching me through these two is absolutely amazing. Yesterday they were involved in a little skirmish and let me tell you...Autumn was winning. She snatched a toy from Summer and as I entered the room I noticed that Summer was crying and struggling to get it back. As I began to intervene Autumn held on to the toy tighter. Summer suddenly released it and grabbed her sister and starting literally hugging all of the defiance right out of her. I could see the strain leave Autumn's face as she fell into her sisters embrace. I started lecturing Autumn on the value of sharing and her sister interrupted and said, "oh it's okay mommie...I forgive her it doesn't matter now." Whoa... how many times in my own life has God called me to just forget it and recognize how little the things I have blown up really matter. I am praying that the next time I am quick to blow up and harbor a grudge that God will bring this little example back to my remembrance. By the way the toy was a Barbie Doll, it was Summer's and Autumn did break the leg off. (lol)

There is a word from the Lord!

2009-06-10T09:25:00.003-05:00

I can't believe I haven't updated in months. It's amazing how time flies especially when you're working hard. Autumn is walking...moving like a drunken sailor but walking nevertheless. Summer is budding into a little independent girl! I am finding my rhythm and starting to dream again about my own future and not just the future of the girls. I am ever awestruck by God's amazing provision and grace. Yesterday while during a conference with one of the participants in our men's center I realized how difficult life is for many, particularly those living without Christ. This wasn't a new discovery but a confirmation of an old truth. A few other staff members called me into a meeting as sort of an intervention. This handsome, well spoken brother was in the battle of his life with addiction but hadn't decided to fight. As I listened to him retell the events that led to our meeting my heart was broken by what he described. His attempt to dabble in language semantics and to skirt around the real issues indicated how desperate he was to escape his current situation. He is over 35, homeless and unemployed. If being a black man in America isn't hard enough! I'm not making excuses for his drug use or belligerent behavior I'm just acknowledging that I understand how he ended up on this road. After expressing our support and love for him I could see a tiny spark of hope in his eyes. I prayed that spark would be enough to get him moving into the direction of recovery. In that moment I could hardly breathe, I felt the weight of addiction, unemployment and poverty crushing my lungs and spirit. For just a nanosecond I felt overwhelmed by hopelessness and despondent over the growing needs in my community. When that second was over the Spirit of God reminded me that... We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair. Ahhhh... What a word of comfort!

A ram in the bush

2009-02-21T09:04:00.002-06:00

And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son.
Genesis 22:13

For the last week I have been wrestling within myself and diligently seeking God in regards to the area of obedience He is calling me to in this particular space and place in my life. Last week after I returned from Breakthrough's "Breakaway Weekend" I felt even more restless about this notion that has been brewing in my soul. During the series of bible studies facilitated during the weekend there was one session that became haunting. As this pastor took us through familiar passages I felt God doing something new and fresh in my spirit. As we walked through the main events unfolding in 1 Samuel 17, lifting up new incites I was challenged to view the giants in my own life differently. More importantly my response to those giants were challenged.

As women we are often masters of multitasking so we consider it not strange when we are accosted by several giants at once. This season in my life has more than a few giants that need slaying. In fact, I've checked my purse and seem to be missing a few stones already. So, I praise God for the victories we have already won. I have to be honest the giants I'm currently facing seem more appropriate for weapons of mass destruction than single rocks. I have decided to take my eyes off the giants because if I'm honest with myself there really isn't anything else I need to know about them. To continue to keep my focus there could allow me to become totally overwhelmed with their size and complexity. Sisters, you're familiar with the natural tendencies.....no matter how many times you view the account balance next to the bills in your hand it won't change. In fact the bills seem to multiply (lol). Instead I am focusing on what God is speaking during this time. Often there is so much noise around me that I can't say I'm always clear about what God is requiring me to do. Abraham knew that God was calling him to sacrifice his son Isaac. But what act of obedience is God requiring from you and I. What test of faithfulness and obedience am I called to pass before God reveals the ram in the thicket? I can only imagine what Abraham felt as he made his way up the mountain with Isaac probably asking a million questions about the sacrifice. The turmoil he must have felt as he raised his knife but oh the relief he experienced when he heard his name called from the heavens.

David developed a history of victories won with God before Goliath fell to his face in defeat. He knew what is was like to have the victory over situations larger than himself. As a shepherd he was responsible for defending the helpless who lived in a constant state of vulnerability. But David courageously fulfilled his responsibilities. Not because of his power but because of his connection with God. David learned about the power and sovereignty of God at a young age. Therefore he was able to stand before his giants in that power not his own.

As God reveals to all of us the areas He needs obedience from us I hope we'll be able to take inventory of the ways He has delivered in the past and draw strength from that. We'll hear his voice, respond in obedience and see in the thicket the ram He has already provided.

Starting Fresh

2009-01-01T08:21:00.003-06:00

I had no idea it had been so long since my last entry. I don't even know where to begin. It's not even possible to play catch up so, we'll just start fresh. Happy New Year! There is hope in the air and promise for a different life loom all around. Isn't it simply amazing how one day on the calendar has the ability to change our thought patterns, habits and activities, even if it's only for a few months. I have to admit that I resolved years ago to give up making New Year resolutions. So, last night as I sat in our end of year service I began to take inventory of the last year. Probably wasn't the best place for introspect since we were supposed to be involved in corporate worship. But, I could not get past how gracious and merciful God has been over the past year. It would take more time than we have to list my gratitude. But let us resolve together to do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with our God!

The Big Return

2008-09-12T15:32:00.001-05:00

Last Tuesday was my big return to work day. I got out of bed about 5:00 AM just after nursing Autumn, excited about returning, afraid of what I might find and looking forward to all of the ways God would manifest himself. Well, let me tell you-by 12:00 noon I was irritable, sleepy and ready to die from the feelings that overwhelmed me. While I was indeed happy to see everyone, I missed Autumn terribly and kept wondering if she felt abandoned. By 4:00 I was asking myself why I had taken four months instead of the standard 6 weeks. It didn't feel like I could ever catch up, too much had taken place and too much missed. Guess what? I did make it through the first short week. In fact, Autumn seems to have survived it quite well. It's the end of week two and I'm still behind and uninformed on several things but my perspective has returned and I'm enjoying adult conversation. The world outside of Autumn Cymone and Summer Cynae seems to have moved just a little faster without me but I'm glad I'm back to expand my world just a little beyond them!

The sadness of summer

2008-06-20T10:46:00.000-05:00

While many people in surrounding Chicago Suburban communities are looking forward to the sights, smells and sounds of summer I am a little reluctant to see the summer begin. The calendar hasn't officially marked the beginning of summer and there are already 3 teenage victims of violence in our city. I'm sick and saddened by it. I want so badly to experience the warm weather and holiday gatherings that all make summer memorable. However, in some of our neighborhoods and streets warm weather and holiday gatherings will mean disaster. Gatherings of young people during the summer always brought smiles to my face as I remembered days gone by. Now, every gathering of young people I pass brings a prayer to my lips for safety and salvation. I wish the problem plaguing our communities had a simple solution. I realize it will take a joint effort of parents, church, community organizations, business, politicians and police to even begin tackling the problem.
Violence has become as common to our children as hopscotch and double dutch was for me thirty years ago. This certainly isn't the world I wanted to introduce to my two girls. Since my husband and I made a conscience decision to bring them into this world we are committed to doing our part to make it better. Will you do your part?

Fighting Domestic Terrorism

2008-06-07T09:43:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I decided to give God praise. Not just an ordinary "Hallelujah" or "thank you Jesus." But genuine praise that manifests itself through living that brings Him glory. This declaration came as a result of six difficult weeks. I've had very little time to care for myself, communicate with other adults or stay up on current events. I've been busy doing what many women have done and are doing, caring for my family. You have to know by now how serious I take this assignment. I really believe that this is one of the things I was created to do. So, with that said let me tell you about these two terrorists living in my house. One has hijacked my sleep and the other is running away with my peace. My body has adjusted to the few hours of sleep I get each night. However, I'm still trying to adjust to the behavior of '"a daddy loving, TANTRUM throwing, bossy but totally adorable two year old." She can sniff out anything-the old stuff embedded in the carpet, the sharp objects I'm sure I placed beyond her reach, and even the things I want to remain lost. I believe if given a little assistance she could sniff out Ossama. The sleep hijacker has found all of the best times to demand my attention. She sounds her personal alarm during the first five minutes of my conversation with any adult, seemingly non stop between the hours of 2 AM and 5 AM and just as I finish laundry and am ready to nap. Others have fought similar wars and have given advice like "sleep when the baby sleeps" and "this is not the time to introduce anything new to your toddler." All great advice I'm sure just not very effective with my terrorists. I realized just this week that the troops aren't coming and if aid arrives it won't be in time. So, yesterday I put; a praise on my lips, a song in my heart and sent up more prayers than you could imagine. What I got back was my peace and an unexplainable joy. Let me share what the Lord is teaching me through my domestic terrorists.

The peace stealer loves her daddy and is above all totally devoted to him. She's vocal about her love for him. She can't get enough time in his presence and is willing to drop everything when he walks through the door. She's not willing to commit her loyalty to anyone or anything else at this point. Daddy is it! Last night as I watched her leap several feet into the air as he walked in it suddenly struck me that God desires the same loyalty and devotion from me. I can see, if only for a minute the stress drain from my husband's body as he lifts her into his arms and looks into her ever adoring eyes. How much more does my Father delight to be in my presence. When I am fixed and focused on him and committed to obeying him I experience a peace and refreshment that can't be taken, not even by the little terrorists in my house.

The sleep hijacker is totally dependent upon us. She understands her role as baby and does it well. I have learned a thing or two from her over the past few weeks. For instance, God owns everything and promises to supply all of my needs. However, I continue to place unnecessary concern into how provision for my life will be made. We have everything my little one needs; food, diapers, clothing, etc. We don't withhold anything-we supply it. Summer makes her request and then trusts we'll provide it. In fact, she is absolutely sure that we can meet all of her needs. From jelly beans to snow, she is sure her earthly father can provide it. Sometimes she waits patiently for her request to be fulfilled at other times she's not so patient. When she is positive and pleasant we are much more willing to grant her request. We're even willing to duplicate it if she expresses gratitude. I have learned that our heavenly Father is willing to do much more for us.

My motherhood journey has really just begun and I am absolutely certain I will learn much more than I will teach either of them. I'm also sure that through this experience I will come to know my Savior in a more real and intimate way.

I'm Believing God!

2008-04-26T10:58:00.000-05:00

As I lay her in the hospital bed of West Suburban, having just given birth to another beautiful baby girl a little over 24 hours ago, I am reminded of all of the opportunities disguised as trials that strenghten my faith. At 3:09 AM Autumn Cymone made her arrival into this wonderfully challenging world. Her delivery was just as eventful as her sisters. In the absence of my physician, (long story, maybe one day I'll share it) she landed on the bed with a small plop. My husband and I were totally ready to receive her in our hearts but that's where the preparation ended. The nurses weren't prepared for the quick delivery and the doctor hadn't arrived.
I know that God has already orchestrated all of the events of her life including her arrival. So, with tear stained cheeks as she rests in the incubator, with a swollen abdomen I am trusting in the power of a Great God! As the moments pass waiting to hear from the neonataologist I recognize I have a choice. I can choose worry, anxiety and fear or I can choose to believe that God is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do!

I'm believing God!

Has Spring Really Come?

2008-03-26T20:39:00.000-05:00

The date on the calendar indicates that spring has come. We’ve already adjusted our clocks to reflect the one hour loss of time. However, the temperature has changed only ever so slightly. And I’m starting to realize that I still am not completely accustomed to Chicago weather. Have you ever felt like the spiritual blahs have lasted too long? The weather isn’t bone chilling cold any more but it still just doesn’t feel like spring. I have experienced many winters with my walk with Jesus Christ. During those seasons I may not experience any specific trial or tribulation but I find myself still distant from God. It is generally during those times that I have to reassure myself that no matter what it looks or feels like God is still interested in being in relationship with me. In fact, during those cold days and nights I depend on the Holy Spirit to bring back to my remembrance what I’ve read and know to be true about him and my situation. Isaiah 431:9 is a favorite. It reads, Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert. As the sun breaks forth to make way for sun, God will deliver us from our winters. He does it in such a way that we don’t even see it coming. He brings refreshment and warmth to our dry places. Almost like Spring in Chicago, we look up one day and the cold has passed and the warmth of a new season has come. You can believe that God will do a new thing for you. Even if your newness of life didn’t spring forth in January like you hoped, know that it will come because God said so!

Safe

2008-02-27T20:58:00.000-06:00

The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe. Proverbs 18:10
I shared with a co worker today how difficult I am finding it to keep my balance. It has been said that your equilibrium is impaired when you reach a certain stage in pregnancy. Well, not only is my balance off, so went my waistline and my brain. I want them all back! My work hours have been a little longer than normal in preparation for the move to our new center and my maternity leave. As a result of that and my always tired and sleepy state, my husband has had to lend an extra hand and foot around the house. He has really been extraordinary! Unfortunately, to his dismay all of his efforts are not able to save me from what I've been experiencing lately.

My spiritual resistance is low and I know I need a hiding place. I have been feeling extremely weak and incapable of completing anything. I'm emotionally exhausted and physically spent. During my commute this evening the Lord really ministered through a song on Babbie Mason's new CD. The lyrics reinforce the awesome power found in the name of the lord. As I meditated on the nature of God I suddenly became overwhelmed by his presence. Tomorrow's schedule, responsibilities awaiting me at home and yesterday's issues seemed miles behind me. The righteous run into it and are safe. Am I not the righteous? Surely, he is the only tower fortified enough to hide me. I needed a hiding place. He is a defender and shield. Protector and Provider is he. My Peace washed over me like the lake front wind. The cares of this world seemed to have overtaken me. But there in the middle of the Dan Ryan appeared a Strong Tower. I ran into it and I was safe.

If we ever needed the Lord....

2008-01-04T10:25:00.001-06:00

we surely do need Him now! So, goes the gospel tune I grew up singing and hearing. I began blogging yesterday about this new year and how I would hold on to this new freedom I feel. However, I was snatched backed into the pain and turmoil I thought I had temporarily escaped while celebrating the new year in our midnight high praise service. During an earlier conversation with my sister she reminded me of the woman in St. Louis who had taken her life and the lives of her 3 year old and 11 year old daughters. The newspaper article stated there was a four-page suicide note that proved it was definitely a murder-suicide case. My sister initially told me about the story New Year's Day and I can remember being overtaken by such a feeling of helplessness. Now four days later I'm still feeling the pain. In fact I have been so saddened by it that I have had to ask the Lord to just lift it. There are so many parts of this story I've walked out in my mind. The first thing that struck me was that this woman was believed to be homeless. So, being 5 months pregnant and a little less than thrilled this story resonated with me. Don't panic and start sending me emails about the blessings of children because I'm well aware and will leave my feelings about this pregnancy for another time. However, the thought of no stable place for my babies to lay their heads is more than I can handle. The newspaper article didn't give much detail about her life but the fact that she left a four-page suicide note indicates she certainly had one and a host of things on her mind that she needed to get off. My thoughts have been preoccupied with what the letter contained. Was she tired of being homeless? Disgusted with trying to figure out where their next meal would come from? Did she write about losing her job or having her car repossessed? Was it "baby daddy drama" or the lack thereof? I have no idea what her letter contains. I can only imagine the pain, hurt and frustration that prompted such a letter and then the hopelessness that served as a prelude to the final act. I've been reeling back and forth from tears to anger. Why is it that you can get a gun easier than you can obtain housing in this country? She shot herself and children on the streets with a handgun. She didn't even have a place that she could call her own to end it all. With her on the street corner was her bag of worldly possessions and the two things that probably mattered the most, her children. Now I'm wondering if she had praying, supportive sisters in her life? Was there someone willing to help my sista' carry her heavy load? Did she know the Balm in Gilead?
There is an overall national increase in the number of women and children who have become homeless over the past few years. I can personally attest to the increase in homeless single women that we see and serve at Breakthrough. I really wish there was a five point solution that would ensure that the tragedy described above is never recorded in history again. I don't have five points to resolving this crisis or a recommendation to the church or government. But, I do hope and pray that each of us will be diligent about doing the very best we can for those in our world. Kind words are good and helpful ,but if we can do more shouldn't we? The Word of God encourages us to bear the infirmities of the weak. I pray that we will be strengthened enough to bear the burdens of others. Perhaps a word of encouragement or a stable place to live could have changed the disposition for this mother of two. I don't know but I'm certain if there were ever a time that we needed the Lord we sho' do need him now!

I finished the race!

2007-10-12T11:02:00.000-05:00

In April my best friend asked me to complete the Lewis & Clark Marathon with her in St. Louis, MO. She and I have been through many things together since we first met in Jr. High School. So, her asking me to complete half of the marathon (13 miles) wasn't an unreasonable request. Me asking my body to comply is another story. I can say my spirit was willing but my flesh was definitely weak. My friend has had a hip replacement and titanium pins added to her back but believed she could complete the marathon. Although my friend was in excellent physical condition prior to her surgeries and had completed a marathon before, she is a one year cancer survivor. The date of the marathon was about one year to the date of her first surgery and I was even a little concerned about both of us physically. Myself of course for different reasons. I had already told her I would do it before all of the reasons why I couldn't had a chance to steal my God-confidence. Being a natural procrastinator I didn't begin training right away. In fact, I really didn't get serious about the marathon until late June. When I did get serious I was overwhelmed by the task that lied ahead. Was it really possible to whip this non-athletic body into shape? Could my fat body and skinny legs really endure through 13 consecutive miles of walking and jogging. I had to prepare myself to jog because even though Kim said she was going to walk, before her diagnosis she was a jogger and really didn't like the fact that she had to walk instead of run. Even if I couldn't convince myself of the health benefits I would do it because Kin asked.
I finished the race and this is what I learned:
Winning really isn't everything, finishing what you start is great!
Nothing good is ever accomplished without hard work!
God is faithful! If you make one step he'll make two is not written in the Bible. But I'm a firm believer that he honored my willingness to complete the race and was with me every step of the way!

Change

2007-08-17T14:44:00.000-05:00

Maya Angelou has been quoted as saying, "If you don't like something change it. If you can't change it change your attitude. Don't complain." So, there are several areas in my life I'd like to see change active and alive in. Honestly, what I have to admit is that I don't want the discomfort or work that often accompanies the process of change. I've spent the last few months in anguish because of all the change I'm experiencing in my professional and personal life. My daughter is changing from a sweet little passive doll to an opionated independent little girl. My responsibilities at Breakthrough have expanded from oversight of just our Women's Shelter and Outreach Program to include supervision of our Men's Shelter as well. As the new Director of Interim Housing I am splitting my work week between our two locations. The lengthy drives and increased use of gasoline have caused me to respond with extreme emotion. Not that anyone would expect anything different from me. My daughter's drama queen like behavior was certainly inherited. During one of my particuliarly emotional days God allowed me the opportunity to be sobered by one of our guests. She totally dethroned me without ever realizing she had done so. I entered the Joshua Center in the late afternoon still fuming over the unexpected traffic on Lake Shore Drive I experienced after leaving the Men's Center. Before I could get to my office and put my things down I was met by one of our guests who had moved a few days prior into one of our supportive housing units. She wanted to make sure that I knew she had moved. She shared with me how good it felt to leave her things in one place. She talked about the meals she was planning to cook and the plans she had for her future. I realized she had just given me the opportunity to change my attitude. I decided to do just that!

Grabbed my shouting shoes

2007-06-04T21:30:00.000-05:00

Desperately needing comfort today and to understand how and why the events of the day were unfolding like they were the Spirit guided me to Isaiah 54. As I meditated and looked at the scripture in context my heart began to overflow with the comfort that the children of Israel must have felt after receiving this word from the prophet. During their Babylonian exile they must have felt forsaken, humiliated and extremely weak. I have often felt these three things. Sometimes I've felt them all at once. It is extremely reassuring for me to know that I can claim many of the promises found in this chapter as my own.

In verse 5, I can remind myself that God is my husband and the only one I can expect to meet all of my emotional and physical needs. There are so many more promises between verses 1 and 16. However, It was verse 17 that made me grab my shouting shoes! Here's why I shouted:

God's Word let's me know that the weapons will form but they won't succeed.

He warns me that the people will talk but He has the final say. This is the weapon that often causes me the most hurt. I feel like I can recover from an uppercut to the stomach but find it very difficult to rise above the slanderous tongue.

Lastly, He let's me know this isn't a blanket promise for the church folk but is instead for those who are in covenant relationship with Him.

Now ain't that Good News!

The Rantings of a working mother!

2007-05-31T09:47:00.000-05:00

I really do feel like an angry black women this morning. It started last night when I learned the woman I trust with the life of my baby has decided not to return to work after she gives birth to her first child, due in Sept. I'm not angry at her because I respect her choice. Or maybe I am angry with her because I love her and so does my daughter and my fear of not being able to find comparable care is driving me crazy. Now this fear coupled with the fear of doing the right thing for Summer is enough to make any half sane woman insane. Last nights meeting brought up feelings of anguish over my own decision to return to work. I felt myself weighing my options again and angry with myself for not deciding to stay home with my own child. I returned to work part time for 6 months and felt confident that when I went back full time that I was doing the right thing. Now the right thing feels wrong and I'm just angry about it. I know myself well enough to know that tomorrow will bring the sun and I will be confident in my decision to return to the work force. However for today I'm simply angry about everything. I'm angry that my commute is too long. I feel angry over the fact that when I finally make it home I have just enough time to cook dinner, read a story to Summer and do one load of laundry before it's time to start all over again. I'm angry that child care is no longer affordable, was it ever? Lastly, I rolled into the gas station up the street from my home on fumes and got angry all over again. When my tank guzzled up $60 of my hard earned dollars I thought I would holla'! I'm angry that the travel times reported never include the 103rd exit from the Bishop Ford to Stoney Island. The day is still young and I'm sure any moment now I will choose to rest in the peace of Jesus and exchange my anger for His Joy!

Calling for the Wailing Women!

2007-05-29T13:49:00.000-05:00

After celebrating the Memorial Holiday with rest and relaxation I have given myself a moment to vacate from the emotion I've been feeling for the last two weeks. As a new mother (she's only 20 months) I can still call myself new, right? I have been literally weeping over the violence taking the lives of our children this year. I heard a report that over 28 children have lost their lives this school year alone. All of this emotion was sparked by the death of Blair Holt, the 16- year- old shot on a CTA bus a few weeks ago. I'm sad about a promising life snuffed out, I'm angry that this isn't the first tragedy of its kind and I'm mad that our children aren't safe anywhere. I keep wondering when will things change and how will it happen? There has been demonstrated outrage from African American politicians, community residents and religious leaders. But there was outrage in 1984 when the Simeon High School star basketball player was shot. There were prayer vigils and public outrage but obviously they were in vain because our children are no safer today than they were then. All of my turmoil was flamed by the lack of mention or attention that is given to this American crisis on some of my favorite radio shows. We have the privilege of having entire radio programs and ministries dedicated to the family and its preservation. But, somehow the crisis facing the black family doesn't even make the radar. Or it so seldom makes it that it really isn't worth mentioning. I've been crying out to God! What needs to happen? What steps are concerned Christians to take? For me another very real question is how do I ensure the safety of my little one? Am I doing all of this loving, teaching and nurturing only to have her go off to school and not return? I realize my thoughts have become irrational ramblings but to live so close to tragedy is sometimes overwhelming. I spoke last year during a Sunday Morning Service about the wailing women and the role they played in bible days. Today I am calling for the wailing women. Someone who will lift up a shout to the Lord on behalf of our babies and our society as a whole. I'm calling for a few women who will humble themselves before the Lord and lament the crisis in my community. I'm wondering if there are a couple of women who will fast and seek the Lord for the protection of children everywhere.

A legacy of Faith

2007-05-17T13:19:00.000-05:00

I can remember as a child wondering about death and grappling with the idea that some day life as I know it would cease to exist. As I grow older I become even less concerned about this life as I know it and cling to the promise God offers for the real life I am dieing to live. My grandmother passed from this life into life eternal just three weeks ago. It was the first loss of life I've experienced in my adult life. All of the cliches I've spoken over time to others rushed into my head and collasped with such a thud that I vowed to never utter one of them to anyone again. This is one of those points in my life where I am forced to make my faith in the All-Knowing God applicable because the penalty for not doing so is too great. I sat through the funeral services remembering what she meant to me. I even verbalized a few of my thoughts at the podium. How could I tell of her profound impact on my life in just a few brief moments. I didn't even know how to express the love she felt for her grandchildren with words. I couldn't describe the smell of collard greens and hot water cornbread that often filled her kitchen when I was a child. I wanted people to know how perfectly her rows of cabbage grew in her garden. I didn't seem to adequately communicate how she fixed every childhood wound with Campho-Phenique and prayer. Water was her medicine for every ailment. She believed that every health problem I experienced was because I wasn't drinking enough water. And now that I'm older I believe she's probably right. After returning home I sat with my thoughts and memories and was able to happily conclude that it is impossible to communicate what she meant to me. However, I can spend the rest of my life as an example of her love and faith. I'm saddened that my daughter will never taste her fried fruit pies or have her knees bandaged by granny's hands. I'm encouraged because just as my grandmother taught me that sometimes you are called to be a voice for the voiceless and that we are the greatest evangelist our families will ever know, I will in turn teach Summer and her legacy will live on.

2007-04-25T10:34:00.000-05:00

I am finally doing what it seems most everyone else is already doing-I'm publishing my thoughts for the world to see. OK maybe only a few people will actually see them but it is nonetheless a scary notion. Prior today I wondered what would inspire someone to do such a thing. My thoughts never seem intriguing to me and seldom are insightful but they are mine and I suppose I should take ownership of them.
As my daughter screamed for my husband from her crib this morning I was just thinking about how much my life has changed over the last several months. Now let me first say as I heard her tiny little voice grow stronger with irritation I reasoned with myself that she was calling my husband because she didn't know that I was still in the house. Since he is responsible for getting her to our Care Provider every morning it's natural that she would call for him. At least that was the reasoning swarming around my brain by the time I got in the car to head to work. I started feeling uncomfortable because I wasn't sure why I even needed to develop a reason why she was calling for my husband. Don't get me wrong I absolutely want her to have healthy relationships with others and am grateful that she is so endeared to her daddy. However, I am still a little taken back at her audacity to choose him over me, which happens often. As I drove in I asked the Lord to take what seems stupid and insignificant and keep it from developing a stronghold in my mind. I felt a reassuring presence of His Spirit and a word to heed regarding my own choices. I felt the Spirit urging me to make sure that I chose the Lord today. So, as I entered the building I vowed to choose to honor God in my conversations, decisions, and deeds today. My daughter often has the choice of having one of two loving parents assist her and I am often faced with the choice of calling on my lovingly Heavenly Father or yielding to the ways of a deceptive Satan to have my needs met. What kind of choices have you had to make today?